As I Am

I grew up thinking that i was better than the people.  My father was a lord over a small expanse of land; however, though it was small, we had the sea to the west of us and almost what you’d call a mountain trail on the other side.  We lived in the thin,southern part of the country that my people took over a few hundred years ago.  


I have an older brother who was going to take over for father, and a mother who lost her voice when she was young due to sickness.  I too caught a bit of the sickness, but i was not mute  like her.  I simply found that it was bothersome to speak and that it hurt if i raised my voice.  I spent most of my days in the library; the teachers and scholars all gave up on me a long time ago due to the fact that i knew more than they did.  In secret my brother would come into my room at night and i’d help him with his studies.  My brother was a smart man with a grasp for politics. He was my fathers perfect boy.  I was not a disappointment, by any means, but i did not deserve the attention my brother received. If I was lucky, i could convince my father to send me to a learning house instead of the army like most second sons go.  


It wasn’t meant to be, though.  Once i turned ten, i was sent to the capital to earn my knighthood.  My brother had just gotten back and had done very well.  I laughed to myself when i heard because if he had done well.  Because then he’d had to have learned to speak the costal language fluently.  I could speak it since the age of five, he was still having trouble saying ‘hello’ properly when he left.  


“Prince Kavani is going to be a page with you,” my brother told me a week before i had to leave.  I looked at him in the eye to tell him that i was listening.  “So, here’s some advice; you might not like it, but just do it, alright?”


I nodded and he continued.  “If the prince gets a score of nine, you get a score of eight.  If he gets a score of ten, you get a score of nine.  only get top marks if you can be sure that he gets extra credit.”


I gave a little sigh.  I’d met Prince Kavani once before when my family went to court to see my brother graduate.  In short- i didn’t like him.  He was the fourth Prince and seventh child of the royal family.  How he managed to be born that late and that haughty, i still had yet to figure out.  


It would be almost seven years before i came back home.  No doubt i’d be treated like a country bumpkin and stupid to boot.  If I took my brother advice, then i’d only be proving what they already expected of me.  I’d be walked on all over.  So, the night before i left, i did something reckless.  My brother had taken my fathers boat out by himself before he left, I was going to into the part of town i’d never seen before.  It was kind of what my brother and i do when we make steps in our lives.  When he was declared the heir, he rode a wild horse on a dare.  When I broke free of lessons and was proclaimed “difficult to teach” I painted the library building blue.  It was fun and mostly harmless.  Just something the two of us did and we’d stay up some nights laughing about them.


But that night changed me.  I stole raggs from a servant and smothered them in dirt from the back yard before putting them on.  I hadn’t told my brother what i was doing because even for wild things to do, this was probably the stupidest.  But there was so little left to be done in the space given to us, so branching out was the only option.  I’d be sure to make an exception and tell him all about it later.  Fully disguised, i left fairly easily over the vine covered wall.  And made my way down into the darkness.


*


The first thing i noticed was the silence.  It was heavy and almost physically made me cower towards the walls of the buildings on either side of me.  I almost turned around and went home.  But I continued on.  I was determined to enter that bar at the far end of town that everyone says is the scariest place.  I wanted to see it for myself.  


When i caught sight of a few city guards i felt better.  They patrolled the streets day and night in twos and threes to keep the city safe and crime free.  At least, that’s what they were supposed to do.


“Little urchin, what are you doin’ outta bed?” one cooed as they came up to me.  At first i was offended, then i had to concede that i not only looked like a gutter boy, but more than a little suspicious clinging to the buildings like i was.  


“I’m sorry,” I said looking up to make sure they heard me. “I’m just-”


THAK! My ears rang and it took me a moment before i realized i was on the ground and my ear felt as though it was twice its size.  


“Urchins don’t look at us,” the one said still cooing.  “They look down in humble respect.”


“Come to think of it, i haven’t seen this one around,” said the other. “He’s probably from out of town.”


“Right,” the first said and as i started to pick myself up he planted a foot in my gut.  I gasped and groaned in pain.  “Haha, brave little gutter dweller.”


“Our shift is almost over, Grat.  Lets get back so i can go to bed.”


“Just a moment,” I felt myself being lifted off the ground, “As the new urchin in town, i’ll let you off the hook tonight, but in the future, learn to show a little respect to those who hold your life in their hands.”


they tossed me into a nearby alley and walked away laughing.  I took my time getting to my feet wanting to make sure they were truly gone.  I seethed and promised to make them pay later.  My father payed them and THEY were the ones that should fear for their lives.  


I debated for a moment about going back home, but i stubbornly pressed on.  If i was going to get kicked and dirty, then i was going to do what i came here to do. I know it wasn’t that important, but now i was going on in pure rebellion.  I was going to make it to that bar and while i was at it, i was going to ask about that guard.  For every crime, even the small insignificant ones, he was going to hang for it.


So i started to run.  I wanted to get in and out.  I still had to get a bath before going to bed so that I could wake up tomorrow as if nothing happened.  


That was my second mistake.


I turned the corner and ran into a group of four guards.  literally.  I crashed into them and fell skinning my knee.  Being on the ground in the midst of bad tempered degenerates is not the best place to be; so i quickly learned.  I curled up into a ball as they beat on me and wouldn’t listen when i tried to tell them to stop.


“Hey, fat ugly brutes!” the shout came out of a dark corner two alley ways down. “Why not try me on for size!”


From how deep that voice was, i was pretty sure the new guy was pretty big.  But the guard ran after him anyway.  I spat and licked a cut on my lip.  I was going to purge the street guard tomorrow before i leave if it was the last thing i do.


“Quick kid,” the hiss came from behind me and i squeaked as hands grabbed me and lifted me up.  “Jacob is leading them off.”


“Ah,um,” I staggered after this really big man mainly because he had a hold of my hand and wrist in his large hand.  My knee stung, it hurt to move, and I bit back a whimper every time i stumbled.  


I was gasping and shaking by the time we came to a stop. I heard him rap on a door and hushed voices exchanged.  I winced as he dragged me into a dingy looking building and into a small alcove.  We waited and then a second door opened and i shielded my eyes from the glare of the candles.  there were voices and laughter as i was dragged into the bright and crowded room.  


There were tables and a large fire place against the far wall.  On the opposite side of the room was a bar lined with tall stools.  A short, thin man stood behind it tossing empty glasses in the air as he wiped them down.  There were few candles along the walls, but there were mirrors that reflected and spread the light around.  They flickered as we made our way to the bar.


“Hey, Breaker!”  The bar man beamed at the man still holding onto me.  “Its been awhile since you’ve been in.  Is tonight a bourbon night?”


“Straight up medicinal, Frank,” Breaker said lifting me up and putting me on a stool.  “Brat ran into a group of six.”


Breaker had a dark beard and redish hair that was balding in the front.  his eyes were a firm and solid blue; i liked the way they looked.


Frank tutted and shook his head.  He reached under the counter, pulled out a wooden box and handed it to Breaker.  He leaned over to me with pity in his thin brown eyes.


“Don’t you know not to go out after dark?”


I didn’t know how to answer that, so i didn’t.  He sighed and i looked past him and the mirror behind the counter, and yelped.  


“Its alcohol,”Breaker said lifting the cloth he’d pressed to the cut on my neck.  “Its going to sting.”


But that was only half the reason.  My shoulder length hair that was in fashion and suitable for second sons to have was cut clean to my ears in jagged strips.  I vaguly recalled the men shoving my face in the dirt and yanking on my hair.  they had also said something, but my ears were ringing.


My parents were going to kill me.


I saw in the mirror that the cloth was coming closer, so i took a deep breath and braced myself for the sting.  It burned a lot more than my cut usually did which meant that the knife they had used wasn’t clean.  


Breaker moved from one cut to the next deftly and expertly.  For such large and rough hands, he was gentle and and worked quickly.  He held his hands out to the bar once more and was handed a pair of shiers.  I threw my hands on top of my head and shook my head.


“Don’t worry,” Breaker said tugging my hands off.  “I cut my boys hair all the time.”


“Is that why Jenny don’t speak to you?” Frank said chuckling.  “The penny should go to the barber.”


“Che, if i had a penny, it would,” Breaker said snipping at my hair.  I winced and closed my eyes.  I couldn’t go home and have it be a mess, but no one other than out personal barber has ever touched my head.


“True, i bet she just doesn’t want you taking on any customers for yourself,” Frank said solemnly.  


“Please, if i cut hair, i’ll charge a silver coin for my work of art,” they both roared with laughter.  I let my ears pick up other conversations around the room.  I heard about animals, farm work just outside the city, business being fair or too slow.  But one conversation i picked up sint shivers down my spine.


“yeah, you remember the little Willy girl,” Said one sadly.  “They found her in the drain this afternoon.  Poor thing starved days ago and they just now found her.”


“She should’ve come to us,” said another.  “We take care of our own, she should’ve known.”


“She was shy, remember?  her parents gone and the Street Stompers ransacking the house for all the valuables.  She didn’t have anything but the clothes on her back.  I bet she didn’t want to be a burden on the rest of us.”


“Better than starving a slow death on a dirty street,” the second said with a sigh.  “I don’t have much, but i would’ve taken her in in a moment.  My wife loved that little girl.”


“There,” Boomed Breaker, making my start. “All done, and a masterpiece at that.”


I looked at myself and nodded slowly.  It was even but way shorter than it had ever been.  I fingered it and tried to get used to it.  But all i could think about was how angry my father was going to be and how depressed my mother would be.


“Don’t be too sad about it,” Frank said setting a glass of milk in front of me and giving me a wink. “On the house.”


I didn’t know what that meant, but i accepted the drink.  It was cool and for some reason tasted better than the milk i drank at home.


“Woa, slow down there,” Breaker laughed as he accepted a dark red drink and handed two dirty coins to Frank.  


“Its very good,” I said, but they frowned.


“What?”


“Sorry, you’re going to have to speak up in this place.”


I turned red and leaned forward, “I said it is very good.”


“Well, you’re welcome,” Frank said mimicking my soft voice but he smiled to show he wasn’t being mean. I smiled back and the door to the bar flew open with a crash.


“I swear they get faster every time!” Shouted a man as the whole bar broke out into laughter.  “Good thing they can smell very well, all i had to do was slip through the Drudgery.”


“Jacob,” Breaker called. “I got you a drink.  I was about to come after you.”


“My friend, i’m getting too old for this fox and run routine,” Jacob said easing himself down onto a stool.  “Next time you run.”


“Deal,” Breaker said and the raised their glasses.  


“So who might you be?” Jacob asked me after he took a long draft of his drink.


“Jess,” I said and couldn’t help smiling at this man.  His eyes were blue as well, but they were full to the brim with laughter and i found myself liking him a lot.


“What?” Jacob asked, and i sighed.


“Said Jess,” Breaker said sparing me from repeating myself.  “Kids got the sickness.”


“I’m better,” I said frowning and leaning forward so he could hear me.  “It won’t get worse than this.”


“That’s good to hear,” Jacob said nodding.  “I don’t know what these guys would do if they couldn’t case a ruckus.”


They laughed again and i totally missed the joke.  So i sat back and finished my milk which was getting warmer by the second in the heated bar.  I was getting tired and i knew i had to get home, but it felt good here.  The atmosphere was easy and no one expected anything of me.  No one told me not to swing my feet or to listen up.  I lets the chatter buzz around me in a haze and enjoyed myself.  


“haha, kid fell asleep,” I jerked awaked and looked up into Breakers and Jacobs face.  I noticed that the room was quieter and Frank was wiping down empty tables.  I felt the blood drain from my face; how long had i been here?


“Where do you live kid?” Jacob asked.  “We’ll take ya home.”

I shook my head and practically ran to the door.  Then remembering my manners I turned and said, “Thank you very much.”  before running out.